insignificant

oh no, it's disastrous. (previously unpublished bitching)

2007-08-20T07:08:00.000-07:00

bitch bitch bitch. all jane wanted to do was bitch.

"look.i bought my weird green-as-grass crumpler because nobody had that colour and it seemed like everyone was going for yellow and red and whatever other flucking nonsense. so i got that bag. and now when i go to school i see at least 5 bloody bags of exactly the same make on other people who look even more loserly than me.

good heavens, what kind of earth-shattering trend did i unknowingly start?

and keep in mind that the statistic of 5 bags is only the secondary 2 level.

for the love of god, do i have to really resort to carrying my violin case as a schoolbag just so that no one will (or can) carry the same bag?"

"when she stands next to me she always complains that i'm not tall enough. when i got ice-cream for the family she pooh-poohed it as cheap and lousy because it wasn't haagen-dazs. and it's not like she tried it, the $22 for 2 pints ice-cream i got. she just asked someone else who told her that it was not bad. And there she went on her own conclusion. Cheap? ask those who tried it first.

when she hears i want to go to a poly she insists that i go to a junior college,because all my cousins are in junior colleges. when i tell her that i want to make use of the three-month break to work, she refuses to allow me to work, and persistently demands that i go for at least the first jc intake. yes, demands. But when another defered to an art school all she said was "well it's his choice, we can't help it, can we?"

when she hears that i've been accepted to a jc through Direct Admission, she calls me and tells me to work hard. In a nagging voice. Damn it, i know i have to work! everyone else is telling me that, cut me some slack, for the love of god!"

and slowly, very slowly, viscous pressure engulfed her in its suffocating embrace.

WARNING: GOING CRAZIER

2007-06-27T08:49:00.000-07:00

Jane didn't feel tired, really. Not that it would be easy doing so, given that music was blasting into her hearing-impaired ears. She removed the earphones in a rather delayed bid to save her hearing, and fatigue crawled in like someone you shared your bed with, slowly crawling in, not wanting to disturb whoever it was that was already asleep though they knew that it was rather useless to try because you'd wake the other party up anyway. She cursed a fair bit and jacked the volume up, wishing for the 3589704th time that her bed was back in her currently bedless bedroom.

Jane couldn't tolerate sleeping beside many people. There were exceptions, though. Jane reckoned that anything the teachers said had a pattern would undeniably possess the evil "E" word-exceptions. Anything but nitrates in the solubility table, that is. Even sulphates had exceptions. But nitrates were always soluble.

Jane felt like her mind was being split into:
1) Cosplaying
2) Studying (however little of that she did)
3) Doing literature homework (and utterly failing to come up with respectable, hand-up-able PBQs that would at least let the teachers know that she'd been absent but had done her work)
4) Solving the very hilarious mess that had resulted out of a joke. It was funny, really, how some people were so NARROW.
5) Trying to remember how to play the violin in time for the performance night. She'd forgotten in the music room FOR REAL and nearly freaked out due to the fact that almost the entire choir was in the room, half of that amount was getting a free show they should've paid for, the useless new TA knew less than her about robotics programming and 3 people were waiting for her to go to the college for tryouts, and at any given moment, if she just moved her wildly swinging bow around, she would've gouged Christine Seah's eye out in one fell swoop since she was being stupid and standing right in the line of fire AND poking Jane's face.
5) Trying to remember what little she'd garnered of programming knowledge in 48 hours and applying it in time for a robotics challenge at the college.

...segments. Maybe more.

oh my god, it's happening, she thought. I'm going to turn into a normal SQUARE like Rae and Kyrielle will kill me.

Einstein commented something about how curiosity could come out of education untouched.

Jane wondered about that too.

Jane suddenly sang the "Le Poisson" song. In a Bon Jovi voice.

-HERE PIECES LIE STILL-
She said that
City life
was the most frustrating
Part about living
Here.

She longed for t
he brok
enw aves that sc
attere d
onto the shore
like Glass broken
into a million
Pieces.

The dead will
never
come back, she told
Herself.
Lie.

Still she
longed for that day.
Unencumbered by hustle-everything
Still.

sleep---

2007-05-16T08:18:00.000-07:00

MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE-SLEEP

Some say now suffer all the children
And walk away a savior
Or a mad man and polluted from gutter institutions
Don’t you breathe for me.
Undeserving of your sympathy
'Cause there ain’t no way that I’m sorry for what I did

And through it all.
How could you cry
For me
'Cause I don’t feel bad about it
So shut your eyes
Kiss me goodbye
And sleep
Just sleep
The hardest part is letting go of your dreams

A drink for the horror that I’m in
For the good guys and the bad guys
For the monsters that I’ve been

Three cheers for tyranny,
Unapologetic apathy
'Cause there ain’t no way that I’m coming back again

And through it all.
How could you cry
For me
'Cause I don’t feel bad about it
So shut your eyes
Kiss me goodbye
And sleep
Just sleep
The hardest parts
the awful things that I’ve seen

Just sleep

wake up!...

"...Are those bruises below your eyes?" a concerned Tatenshi asked.
"Bruises? I don't think I punched myself." Jane quipped, eliciting mild laughter.
"Nope, they're eyebags."

Jane was mildly shocked, you could say. She knew she pulled frequent late-nighters studying, doing art and whatnot, but somehow the later she slept, the more refreshed she'd be at school. Though refreshed might be a wrong word to use since on those subsequent days she'd feel like she was just on autopilot, with a terrible humming in her ear the whole day. That humming was a paradigm of sorts, a paradigm of a blank mind and a comfortable, sedated state. But she'd never really considered the gravitas of the matter---
---then everything fell into place. Her relatives' nitpickings on her newfound gauntness, how she thought her jeans were losing their elasticity, and now this...

they say that the human brain is particularly adept at overlooking undesirable details. Jane did just that, closing her eyes for a moment.

She just wanted to sleep.

Perhaps, a mild, horribly watered-down dose of euthanasia to curb this humming, these sudden realisations...just for a while.

If not for a longer time?

Grown up thoughts, ta-DA.

2007-04-07T09:23:00.000-07:00

Emo nights.
Sparrow's flight.
Pillow fights.
Lover's night.
Teenage plight.
Sacred sight.
Holy night.
Blinded sight.
Parting flight.
Narrow heights.
Shiny lights.
Fearful nights.

And, drifting away from the mirage she once considered reality, Jane grew up. It wasn't spntaneous, she hadn't wanted it, but it had just HAPPENED. Suddenly she was grown up, leading a grown-up life, doing grown-up things like eating right and exercising, and not wanting to be weird Jane.

Wait, she thought. If I know this is grown-up, detestable and something I don't want to be, then how am I grown up? And she looked at herself in the mirror, and realised that,

no matter how she tried to put it aside, age would still dawn.

Ah, lamentful missy.

And she awoke from her dream, her heart threatening to burst out of its ribcage any moment, sweat clinging onto her skin like an annoying girlfriend.

Grown-up? That could wait.

CRAPPP.

2007-02-21T06:23:00.000-08:00

Yes, I am feeling like crap. I've been so crappy, I haven't been focusing on my art, my idea's going down the drain.

Of course, one might argue that I'm being a total idiot (can't use much foul language--mother's office com) by blaming it on my mindset, and that I'm adopting the wrong attitude to doing stuff.

You know what? You're right.
Haha. Anthea admit she's wrong without a fight? Yeah. I'm too tired. Lately my heart isn't in school. I've been flunking my biology (seriously). I don't know why I cried in class. After all, I hardly studied. And I hate studying about plants and respiration and smoking so well, MENTAL BLOCKKK.

But yes. I cried. Admittedly, that was a stupid thing to do.

And, admittedly, I HAVE been fooling around too much.

Maybe it might've been better if Sophie joined the oratorical competition. She might have gotten third and beaten THAT girl. (this, is a time for careful language.) And I feel sad for Debbie. God knows why, it's her problem, I'm not in her school, but I really wanna be there with her and, perhaps give her a rose saying happy belated valentine's. I feel bad, I got 2 roses. Actually 3 but one was Tsu's. Didn't want it so I had to carry the freakin' BIG bloom along with my smaller ones. That girl really admires Tsu, gave her the honkin big bloom. Haha.I felt like an idiot, and since I used my bottle to house the 3 roses I had no water to drink despite my cold.

Listening to music didn't make me feel better. (maybe because it was iron maiden. haha. they sound a little boring.)

Neither did playing music. (remember the days when I cooped myself up in school to escape from violin? those days are over.) I couldn't even think of anything to play on my lovely piano. How sad.

And then there's what I'm writing now, the first post in 2 months. I'm preparing for eoy cosplay, I'm not doing well in art and science, and, phew. My life is a mess. I lost my wallet in the bus last Friday, and someone called me later saying it was in a honken' VCD SHOPPE. IN HOUGANG AVE 4. That's 1 avenue away from where I lost my wallet. So sonehow we got it back. Then the next day I went to taka to check on category freaks 3 (decided not to continue the series---too graphic. dude, it's M18. Do I look 18? Either that or a really blind salesgirl, who thinks Tsu and I are both 18+.) Bought CURE, january I think, instead. Happy cause AN CAFE was on the cover (and I like ALL 4 of them, Miku, Teruki, KANNON (is love) <3 even bou. bishie fun. dress up.>

An Cafe are: (L to R) TERUKI (i think that's his stage name at least....) on drums

MIKU, the vocalist who loves tiramisu and donald duck.

BOU on guitar. yes. it is a guy. live with it. he is adorable with makeup at the very least.

KANON, the bassist. (he looks good here.)

Anyway, I'm feeling better now. (except for the undeniable fact that my mother just tried to burst a damn pimple. darrrn.)

Well. No need to cry tonight, I guess. Back to art, I have 21 sketches. I need 30 by next week. Oh god was it wise for me to slack in music? I have no idea.

--Jane.

ResoLUTIONS.

2007-01-01T05:30:00.000-08:00

Resolutions,Jane thought.

What were they for?

Then she thought of the cosfest, and smiled. Procrastination from putting up pictures was first.

more later.

Flowers in the dark.

2006-12-14T18:54:00.000-08:00

Jane sat herself down under her barren tree. A chain of daisies, meticulously threaded together, hung from her hands.

Innocent childs' play, linking daisies. In the hope that, when you put them in water at midnight, your wish would come true.

Suddenly, as she willed so

all went dark.

The soft petals of the daisies fell away like inhibitions, layer upon layer, revealing the yellow cores of the flowers. And as they did so, they scattered, some flowing with the breeze out to sea, some settling onto the ground.

And, suddenly...the lake was full of daisies.

Why all these daisies? she wondered. I have no one to pine for, none to love, none to befriend, nothing to wish for.

Then the petals entwined around her, snaking from the remaining clump on her hand to her arms, neck, and so on, and it was then that Jane realised they had turned into roses.

Even better, she thought. The flower of love, worn on one who does not.

Touching one bud on her ankle, and ignoring the minute lacerations that the thorns were giving her, taking no heed of the pain, she saw blood contact with the red rose. In an instant, it turned a brilliant night-shade with gold-rimmed edges, and the rest followed suit.

Death and departure, she thought to herself, walking to the lake. Looking back the tree was also covered with black roses, rimmed in gold.

Sinking into the water, her raven hair spreading out, she sighed.

Death and departure, how beautiful.

Somewhere else, the marionettes went on their way, bright glass eyes unblinking, painted red lips pursed slightly, wooden limbs swaying in the air, resemblent of hanged men...

and all was quiet and beautiful...like Death and Departure.

STONE.BLOOD. and laughter, for once.

2006-12-13T22:52:00.000-08:00

Jane sat down in the plush seat of the office cubicle.
"My cosplay costume's not doneeee...." She whined to anyone who would hear.

Jane:
Well, fine actually it is. kinda. Still in shambles but yeah. for the shoulder armour I had to freaking use my old rollerblading kneeguards. And know what? My mother and I had a lovely conversation. It kinda went like this:

"Mother."

"What?!"

"I can use my kneeguards."

"Oh! Yes! Hm okay so I will...//insert whole complicated process of how she's gonna buy cloth and sew it on//"

"No. I'm asking Goddess Reticent to do it for me."

"Huh? Ask Goddess Reticent to do what?"

"Spray paint it for me!!"

"Why spray paint? What colour? Why spraypaint?!"

"Well it's too small for me now don't you think, you got it for me when I was ten!"

"But, you see, one day I can fit into it and maybe learn roller-blading!"

"WHATT?!?!!" *clutches left ventricle, has a nosebleed due to the sudden pressure and faints*

"So yes don't ask Goddess Reticent to spraypaint, if you must I'll go and buy the black cloth tomorrow, then try to pass it to you, then you can ask her to sew it during your meeting."

I, Jane, hadn't the heart to tell her that Goddess Reticent (Goddess Almighty And Watching she may be) can't sew to save her life. hah.

Who knows what she might have said? God.

If it helps, Goddess Reticent, I'm an assassin and I can't sew too!! *waves hand in air enthusiastically and skips across the desert sands* Hence probably why I need so much bandage and my skirt's all torn and tattered--I can't hem. (Fearsome Discipline Mistress take note.)

God help me in my cosplay, and grant that THE BANDAGES AROUND MY TORSO WON'T SLLLLIPP OFF HALFWAY THROUGH THE DAY.

actually, to be frank...i haven't even bought the bandage for the torso. ehheh.

Well it isn't really my fault too, you know!! Yesterday Goddess Reticent and I left Zexion, Ichigo (in their full costumes of male monk and Sohee respectively) and Dale (in plain clothes--she took off her costume earlier) on the esplanade rooftop and trekked in the drizzle to marina square IN OUR FULL COSTUMES. Fine Goddess Reticent's was a full thingie, minus her sword only cause it's kinda...erm, real, and including her LAYERSSS of cancan. But mine wasn't really done. We had deliberated on where to go-MS or Citylink mall? So after walking back and forth, we set off. To MS.

It was raining, wow.

And we walked into Watson's, (me getting alot of stares, I think people thought with my whole cloth covering face nose-down, I was a terrorist) hoping to find the coveted BANDAGES. But NO, watson's sold plasters, they sold cotton pads, but, no bandages.

"This is like item hunt in R.O." Goddess Reticent commented.

"Whatever that is." I replied, dying under the cloth due to a lack of fresh air. See? I don't even play the game that I'm cosplaying as. Tsk.

"Where you find items //blah blah blah squeak HONK boo I forgot what she said//."

"Oh." And just then we came to GUARDIAN, what a godsend.

//in guardian//

"How many meters is this...4. I think that'll do?"

"I think I'll get one more for you just in case." Goddess replied. So, fine, we went to pay.

"Are you alright??" Concerned salesgirl asks.

"Er...fine." We reply.

How...thoughtful. Guardian cashiers deserve an award for service, man.

After our rehearsals, we go to MS AGAIN for dinner at Han's. Zexion went crazy, she POURED salt liberally over her wedges AND dory fish. All this time, Zexion, Goddess Reticent and I were fangirling over L(awliet) and Raito Yagami (oops I typed Ratio.><) Then...

Zexion: I'm gonna get an icecream.

Goddess Reticent and I : O____O""" *whispers to one another*Didn't she say just now that she didn't wanna eat mac's cause she's on a diet?!??!

Goddess Reticent: I was just thinking that. SCOLD HER WHEN SHE COMES BACK!!!

//Zexion returns with CHOCOLATE (she's allergic to it) ice cream.

Me: YOOOOU! YOU AH.

Goddess Reticent: Is that all you can say? I told you to scold your partner! Not just say "YOOOUU!"

Me: Uh. *thinks* --silent pause-- YOOOOUU!!!!!!!! @#$^W#^$ You're on a diet!!!!!! And it's three damn days to cosplay and you're gonna be ill, you're already ill!!!.... Now give that to me!

All 5 of us burst into laughter.

Later, when I got home, I discovered that the manufacturer of my precious bandages had ripped me off (just like Milkbottle got ripped off her 17++ dollars at gramophone.) Instead of 4 meters, the bandages were a DINKY 2 meters each. I didn't bother to stretch it and see if the "4 meters" implied when stretched, but, I felt ripped off. And my mother gave me a 15 second talk on expensive bandages. Good god. So now instead of having 8 meters of bandage to wrap around my torso, collar, and 2 calves, I can only wrap my calves.

God save me. *faints* I'm gonna die during cosplay.

-in the flickering shadows-i fade away-

2006-12-13T01:06:00.000-08:00

a dying man bids a sorrowful farewell
to a vision suspended in the indigo-streaked sky

an illusion deep within the darkness shrouded in fog
decaying and perishing among beautiful ruins

my mind, shackled in chains
was lost, fell into ruin amidst the rubble

shattering... being rent asunder...

now, my wish is that my grief will be deadened

...disintegrated

the flower in full bloom is shattering
now, if it rots away, my suffering will be deadened

shattering... being rent asunder...

the flower in full bloom is shattering
the flower fluttering in the sky is being torn and scattered

the flower fluttering in the sky is...

broken. like me.

-detresse-perish-moidixmois.

Do you like that?

2006-12-09T06:31:00.000-08:00

Jane sighed, as a tear rolled down her pale cheek. She felt just like a doll.

Go away, this isn't worth your time.
Like a shattered crystal, once bright, she lies
Long forgotten, trodden upon
But still her edges are sharp-
-She cuts like a razor blade.

What are you still here for? I told you to go away.

My pale sheeks can't hold tears no more
My wrists can't bleed no more
My reddened eyes can't cry anymore.
Spare me from this pain.

~Desperate, I will run, to find my place in the diary of Jane.~

Georgie Porgie.

2006-12-02T08:06:00.000-08:00

Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry
When the boys came out to play
Georgie Porgie ran away.

Flashback.

2006-12-02T07:25:00.000-08:00

Jane held her violin in her hands. For pete's sakes, her exam had just ended a week ago. Give me some free time already, she thought, pissed off.

"This had better be worth it." She thought as she launched into teacher-prescribed homework that was four full pages of complicated advanced scales.

She was starting to like being alone with music--even if it was scales that made her entire hand ache and her fingers peel. At least it didn't demand that you mop the floor. Or do homework.

Weird, she thought. But she had been since she was young...

The dimunitive 8-year-old pored through some Secret Seven book.
"Your dinner's ready, babayyy." The woman crooned. Frowning a little, she asked: "Why didn't you practice like I asked you to?"

"I wanna read." The reply came, the girl's eyes not even lifted off her text.

"Mm...hm...lahda." Playing with building blocks, humming a self-constructed tune. Heavily-lidded dark brown eyes spied the last block. Skinny fingers grabbed it with a robust conviction, placing it precariously at the top of the tower. She smiled as the creation toppled down.

"Humming again? What's it this time?" The woman came in.

"Nope." The clear answer came back, cutting.

"How was school today?"

"Fine." And, as if it were an afterthought, "Danielle Gomez vomitted today."

"What?"

"It was bright pink...you know? Highliter pink."

The woman stood up again, and left the room.

"Hm...lala dummmm..." The humming resumed.

"What's this?" The girl, at 7, had rummaged through her friend's pencilcase.

"Er...sharpener blade?"

"Will it cut?"

"I have no idea."

"Let's see. You know, like those people that go-"
Without further warning the girl had pressed the graphite-laden blade against her skin, and cut across deeply. Seeing no blood and feeling no pain, she repeated the procedure a few more times.

"Miss Tan's here." Her friend cautioned her.

"Now it hurts! well...a little." The girl squeezed her finger tightly. Still, no blood emerged. " Never mind. GOOD MORNING MISS TAN." The girl called out.

At Parkway, on the escalator with those bristles at the side that sometimes tickled your feet. The girl, at ten, with her mother, who was a few steps in front of her. The girl edged her foot closer to the side, hoping to achieve what she termed as "cleaning her shoe." Auddenly, with a force, the entire foot of the child, up to the heel, was ssSSSsucked in, shoe and all. Without missing a beat, the girl pulled her foot back. A ripping sound emerged, causing the woman to turn sharply.
"I-I, my foot, it got sucked in."

"How?!?!" The woman, having reached the landing, pulled her daughter to one side.

"Oh, I was playing with the bristles at the side. My foot's not hurt. See?" The girl removed her tattered shoe and wiggled her toes.

"Dear..."

"I'm fine! But I think I need a new shoe. And new socks too. And my foot just feels funny, that's all. Never mind. No need for worry."

Like time was going to change all those character traits, Jane thought to herself as she awoke from her ruminating.

What if---

2006-11-29T07:06:00.000-08:00

When the sun rises again
I will be there with you my friend
And I will be there
Looking over your shoulder.

--plainsunset--"Girl on Queen Street"--album: "THE GIFT"

Jane sighed to herself as her download failed.

What if the authorities were on her for downloading? What if she got caught? What if the failed download was actually those idiots at the computer, going, "Hey! Downloader!!! Stop that download and trace him/her!"

What if she lost her eyesight? She'd, after all, found a vein/artery from the bucket of blood she'd shed when she tried to pierce her own ear. The blood had dripped onto her uniform, into the drainpipe, on the countertowel, in the sink, in her lens case...and there had been the vein-like thing.

What if she died in her sleep? With aspirations unfufilled?

And she thought she didn't really have any friends. Then there was retreat. That had changed something, at least. Now she felt emo.

shit.

home?

2006-11-29T06:48:00.000-08:00

Jane:

Even though violin's over, I'm still dreaming of music. Tsu said so. THIS SUCKS, HEAVEN HEAR ME THIS SUCKS TO DAMN SHIT.

Jane was starting to feel detatched from her home. After all that staying at home and practicing, she was suddenly in school, then at Squeezebottle's, then her aunt's. Home was just lounging around all day somewhere, feeling comfy. Home was everywhere.

She felt like trash.

Jane's weird dream

2006-11-26T08:00:00.000-08:00

"Hey! What'm I being called here for?!" Jane cried out as she was dragged into the police station.
Just then another detainee was dragged out.
"I know you! You're that bastard that-" Jane yelled out and was cut short by the man in blue.
"-she shouted, hang her tomorrow."

"What?! What'd I do?" Jane raised her voice again, panic rising in her throat.
"What did you do? You shouted! In a police station!" The man glared at her and stormed off.

She was back home, her mother's tears flowing freely down her cheeks. Her father absent.
"Jane..." she sobbed.
"It's okay." Jane replied bravely and sighed, writing her will.

She was walking towards the noose, hat over head to prevent her from seeing anything and shouldered by two policemen. The walk was long, slow, torturous. Each step Jane took willingly toward her impending doom.

"What'd I do wrong?" Her hushed, whispered last words as the noose tightened.

Jane awoke. Panting, face flushed. The feeling had been so surreal, the noose had been so constricting. It was as if... ...

...but why hadn't anyone else been there?

2006-11-21T07:45:00.000-08:00

Jane:

I'm in a really emo mood today. Emo as in don't-try-becuse-you-won't-get-past-me-emo. I'm 2 days away from my Diploma and the more i hear the bittersweet sound of the violin, the more emo i get. Not to mention my mother wants all fringe up. So no more emo fringe.

Sad isn't it. The other day we were at kinokuniya and i saw this magazone with Phantasmagoria at the front. So of course i can't just pay for it (even if i did have sufficient cash, which i didn't, ) and expect my mother not to notice it. So I told mother that my friend wanted it.

Well, to be more precise, Kyrielle. The girl that lives in my head doesn't know about money, so obviously...well Kyrielle IS a friend. Unlike Kai who has muffins, punks and bunnies residing in her head, I've only got Kyrielle. So Kyrielle shall get what she desires.

And once again, I'm all alone.