oh no, it's disastrous. (previously unpublished bitching)

bitch bitch bitch. all jane wanted to do was bitch.

"look.i bought my weird green-as-grass crumpler because nobody had that colour and it seemed like everyone was going for yellow and red and whatever other flucking nonsense. so i got that bag. and now when i go to school i see at least 5 bloody bags of exactly the same make on other people who look even more loserly than me.

good heavens, what kind of earth-shattering trend did i unknowingly start?

and keep in mind that the statistic of 5 bags is only the secondary 2 level.

for the love of god, do i have to really resort to carrying my violin case as a schoolbag just so that no one will (or can) carry the same bag?"






"when she stands next to me she always complains that i'm not tall enough. when i got ice-cream for the family she pooh-poohed it as cheap and lousy because it wasn't haagen-dazs. and it's not like she tried it, the $22 for 2 pints ice-cream i got. she just asked someone else who told her that it was not bad. And there she went on her own conclusion. Cheap? ask those who tried it first.

when she hears i want to go to a poly she insists that i go to a junior college,because all my cousins are in junior colleges. when i tell her that i want to make use of the three-month break to work, she refuses to allow me to work, and persistently demands that i go for at least the first jc intake. yes, demands. But when another defered to an art school all she said was "well it's his choice, we can't help it, can we?"

when she hears that i've been accepted to a jc through Direct Admission, she calls me and tells me to work hard. In a nagging voice. Damn it, i know i have to work! everyone else is telling me that, cut me some slack, for the love of god!"


and slowly, very slowly, viscous pressure engulfed her in its suffocating embrace.

WARNING: GOING CRAZIER

Jane didn't feel tired, really. Not that it would be easy doing so, given that music was blasting into her hearing-impaired ears. She removed the earphones in a rather delayed bid to save her hearing, and fatigue crawled in like someone you shared your bed with, slowly crawling in, not wanting to disturb whoever it was that was already asleep though they knew that it was rather useless to try because you'd wake the other party up anyway. She cursed a fair bit and jacked the volume up, wishing for the 3589704th time that her bed was back in her currently bedless bedroom.

Jane couldn't tolerate sleeping beside many people. There were exceptions, though. Jane reckoned that anything the teachers said had a pattern would undeniably possess the evil "E" word-exceptions. Anything but nitrates in the solubility table, that is. Even sulphates had exceptions. But nitrates were always soluble.

Jane felt like her mind was being split into:
1) Cosplaying
2) Studying (however little of that she did)
3) Doing literature homework (and utterly failing to come up with respectable, hand-up-able PBQs that would at least let the teachers know that she'd been absent but had done her work)
4) Solving the very hilarious mess that had resulted out of a joke. It was funny, really, how some people were so NARROW.
5) Trying to remember how to play the violin in time for the performance night. She'd forgotten in the music room FOR REAL and nearly freaked out due to the fact that almost the entire choir was in the room, half of that amount was getting a free show they should've paid for, the useless new TA knew less than her about robotics programming and 3 people were waiting for her to go to the college for tryouts, and at any given moment, if she just moved her wildly swinging bow around, she would've gouged Christine Seah's eye out in one fell swoop since she was being stupid and standing right in the line of fire AND poking Jane's face.
5) Trying to remember what little she'd garnered of programming knowledge in 48 hours and applying it in time for a robotics challenge at the college.

...segments. Maybe more.

oh my god, it's happening, she thought. I'm going to turn into a normal SQUARE like Rae and Kyrielle will kill me.

Einstein commented something about how curiosity could come out of education untouched.

Jane wondered about that too.

Jane suddenly sang the "Le Poisson" song. In a Bon Jovi voice.

-HERE PIECES LIE STILL-
She said that
City life
was the most frustrating
Part about living
Here.

She longed for t
he brok
enw aves that sc
attere d
onto the shore
like Glass broken
into a million
Pieces.

The dead will
never
come back, she told
Herself.
Lie.

Still she
longed for that day.
Unencumbered by hustle-everything
Still.

sleep---

MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE-SLEEP

Some say now suffer all the children
And walk away a savior
Or a mad man and polluted from gutter institutions
Don’t you breathe for me.
Undeserving of your sympathy
'Cause there ain’t no way that I’m sorry for what I did

And through it all.
How could you cry
For me
'Cause I don’t feel bad about it
So shut your eyes
Kiss me goodbye
And sleep
Just sleep
The hardest part is letting go of your dreams

A drink for the horror that I’m in
For the good guys and the bad guys
For the monsters that I’ve been

Three cheers for tyranny,
Unapologetic apathy
'Cause there ain’t no way that I’m coming back again

And through it all.
How could you cry
For me
'Cause I don’t feel bad about it
So shut your eyes
Kiss me goodbye
And sleep
Just sleep
The hardest parts
the awful things that I’ve seen

Just sleep


wake up!...

"...Are those bruises below your eyes?" a concerned Tatenshi asked.
"Bruises? I don't think I punched myself." Jane quipped, eliciting mild laughter.
"Nope, they're eyebags."

Jane was mildly shocked, you could say. She knew she pulled frequent late-nighters studying, doing art and whatnot, but somehow the later she slept, the more refreshed she'd be at school. Though refreshed might be a wrong word to use since on those subsequent days she'd feel like she was just on autopilot, with a terrible humming in her ear the whole day. That humming was a paradigm of sorts, a paradigm of a blank mind and a comfortable, sedated state. But she'd never really considered the gravitas of the matter---
---then everything fell into place. Her relatives' nitpickings on her newfound gauntness, how she thought her jeans were losing their elasticity, and now this...

they say that the human brain is particularly adept at overlooking undesirable details. Jane did just that, closing her eyes for a moment.

She just wanted to sleep.

Perhaps, a mild, horribly watered-down dose of euthanasia to curb this humming, these sudden realisations...just for a while.


If not for a longer time?

Grown up thoughts, ta-DA.

Emo nights.
Sparrow's flight.
Pillow fights.
Lover's night.
Teenage plight.
Sacred sight.
Holy night.
Blinded sight.
Parting flight.
Narrow heights.
Shiny lights.
Fearful nights.

And, drifting away from the mirage she once considered reality, Jane grew up. It wasn't spntaneous, she hadn't wanted it, but it had just HAPPENED. Suddenly she was grown up, leading a grown-up life, doing grown-up things like eating right and exercising, and not wanting to be weird Jane.

Wait, she thought. If I know this is grown-up, detestable and something I don't want to be, then how am I grown up? And she looked at herself in the mirror, and realised that,

no matter how she tried to put it aside, age would still dawn.

Ah, lamentful missy.


And she awoke from her dream, her heart threatening to burst out of its ribcage any moment, sweat clinging onto her skin like an annoying girlfriend.

Grown-up? That could wait.

CRAPPP.

Yes, I am feeling like crap. I've been so crappy, I haven't been focusing on my art, my idea's going down the drain.

Of course, one might argue that I'm being a total idiot (can't use much foul language--mother's office com) by blaming it on my mindset, and that I'm adopting the wrong attitude to doing stuff.

You know what? You're right.
Haha. Anthea admit she's wrong without a fight? Yeah. I'm too tired. Lately my heart isn't in school. I've been flunking my biology (seriously). I don't know why I cried in class. After all, I hardly studied. And I hate studying about plants and respiration and smoking so well, MENTAL BLOCKKK.

But yes. I cried. Admittedly, that was a stupid thing to do.

And, admittedly, I HAVE been fooling around too much.

Maybe it might've been better if Sophie joined the oratorical competition. She might have gotten third and beaten THAT girl. (this, is a time for careful language.) And I feel sad for Debbie. God knows why, it's her problem, I'm not in her school, but I really wanna be there with her and, perhaps give her a rose saying happy belated valentine's. I feel bad, I got 2 roses. Actually 3 but one was Tsu's. Didn't want it so I had to carry the freakin' BIG bloom along with my smaller ones. That girl really admires Tsu, gave her the honkin big bloom. Haha.I felt like an idiot, and since I used my bottle to house the 3 roses I had no water to drink despite my cold.

Listening to music didn't make me feel better. (maybe because it was iron maiden. haha. they sound a little boring.)

Neither did playing music. (remember the days when I cooped myself up in school to escape from violin? those days are over.) I couldn't even think of anything to play on my lovely piano. How sad.

And then there's what I'm writing now, the first post in 2 months. I'm preparing for eoy cosplay, I'm not doing well in art and science, and, phew. My life is a mess. I lost my wallet in the bus last Friday, and someone called me later saying it was in a honken' VCD SHOPPE. IN HOUGANG AVE 4. That's 1 avenue away from where I lost my wallet. So sonehow we got it back. Then the next day I went to taka to check on category freaks 3 (decided not to continue the series---too graphic. dude, it's M18. Do I look 18? Either that or a really blind salesgirl, who thinks Tsu and I are both 18+.) Bought CURE, january I think, instead. Happy cause AN CAFE was on the cover (and I like ALL 4 of them, Miku, Teruki, KANNON (is love) <3 even bou. bishie fun. dress up.>

An Cafe are: (L to R) TERUKI (i think that's his stage name at least....) on drums

MIKU, the vocalist who loves tiramisu and donald duck.

BOU on guitar. yes. it is a guy. live with it. he is adorable with makeup at the very least.

KANON, the bassist. (he looks good here.)

Anyway, I'm feeling better now. (except for the undeniable fact that my mother just tried to burst a damn pimple. darrrn.)

Well. No need to cry tonight, I guess. Back to art, I have 21 sketches. I need 30 by next week. Oh god was it wise for me to slack in music? I have no idea.

--Jane.

ResoLUTIONS.

Resolutions,Jane thought.

What were they for?

Then she thought of the cosfest, and smiled. Procrastination from putting up pictures was first.

more later.

Flowers in the dark.

Jane sat herself down under her barren tree. A chain of daisies, meticulously threaded together, hung from her hands.

Innocent childs' play, linking daisies. In the hope that, when you put them in water at midnight, your wish would come true.

Suddenly, as she willed so






all went dark.


The soft petals of the daisies fell away like inhibitions, layer upon layer, revealing the yellow cores of the flowers. And as they did so, they scattered, some flowing with the breeze out to sea, some settling onto the ground.

And, suddenly...the lake was full of daisies.

Why all these daisies? she wondered. I have no one to pine for, none to love, none to befriend, nothing to wish for.

Then the petals entwined around her, snaking from the remaining clump on her hand to her arms, neck, and so on, and it was then that Jane realised they had turned into roses.

Even better, she thought. The flower of love, worn on one who does not.

Touching one bud on her ankle, and ignoring the minute lacerations that the thorns were giving her, taking no heed of the pain, she saw blood contact with the red rose. In an instant, it turned a brilliant night-shade with gold-rimmed edges, and the rest followed suit.

Death and departure, she thought to herself, walking to the lake. Looking back the tree was also covered with black roses, rimmed in gold.

Sinking into the water, her raven hair spreading out, she sighed.

Death and departure, how beautiful.

Somewhere else, the marionettes went on their way, bright glass eyes unblinking, painted red lips pursed slightly, wooden limbs swaying in the air, resemblent of hanged men...

and all was quiet and beautiful...like Death and Departure.